The definition of quickieMy Boston mix radio station converts to an evangelical station as soon as I cross into Rhode Island. This morning I was highly entertained listening to a very passionate preacher being intercut with "Gives you Hell" by the All American Rejects.
Told you. Quickie.
Next on the 6:00 news…My script for
Big Hope Films is shooting in the next couple weeks, and my documentary directorial debut is in post production. And there is more news to come shortly. Stay tuned.
I expect this to be Hollywood’s next blockbuster disease horror filmNoxious fumes from office refrigerator send seven to hospital
The Box Score
The Wrestler: Loved it. My only complaint was it should have ended five minutes earlier, at the main character’s entrance to the final scene. Without saying too much: the risk was there, the audience knew the risk was there, showing it again was not necessary, and it was better not to know. But again, minor point. Fantastic little film.
Frost/Nixon: Liked it. Thought the first half had pacing issues, but otherwise a nice job by ol’ Richie Cunnigham.
Wolverine: Didn’t hate it, despite what the critics demanded of me. Parts of it made me and most people around me scream “What ARE they doing?”, which does not make a great film. But, Hugh Jackman is always a pleasure to watch in a wife-beater, and the movie features Gambit, my long-standing X-men crush. So my non-hatred of the film could have had everything to do with my brain battling my loins in a Seinfeldian chess game.
Also, I really only mention
Wolverine because I went to the bathroom when he was being lowered into the tank for has adamantium procedure. And at this point, he was clearly wearing tightie whities. I came back just in time to see him leap out of the tank stark naked. Was this a continuity error? An agreement with the censors to prevent a bigger continuity problem with previous films? Does adamantium turn tightie whities into vapor?
Holy crap, where have you been?This is by far the longest I have ever gone without blogging. I expect all of you to send me some sort of award. I will accept everything from a Purple Heart to Queen for a Day. And I should probably get another award for making a random reference to a
1950s radio show.
So, where HAVE you been?The short story is: busy. I’m teaching a screenwriting class, directing a documentary on a comic friend entering a beauty pageant, and attempting to rewrite a highly uncooperative feature script for a May 1st deadline. Oh, and a script I wrote for Big Hope Films is being filmed in two weeks. Among other things. The good news is life has slowed down from “Holy fucking shit” to simply “Holy shit”, so blogging will be far more regular.
So, you just expect us to take you back after all this time?
Yes. You complete me.
*grumbles* Fine.
You’re so easy.
The SoloistIn compliance with my Read The Book Before the Movie Policy and my Go See Any Movie Starring Robert Downey Junior on Opening Weekend Policy, I’m halfway into this book. And while I’m enjoying it quite a bit, I spend the bulk of my reading time trying to gag the little voice in my head that’s screaming “How are they possibly going to turn this into a functioning film?”. Yet from the early reviews I’ve read, they managed to do just that. I’ll be watching with one skeptical eyebrow raised.
WiiFit Update8 weeks with the WiiFit and I’ve lost 20 pounds. What this means is I have to buy new pants. What it does NOT mean is that I need new tops. In my body’s ongoing efforts to annoy me, I lose weight from the smallest parts of my body first, my hips. As I have large shoulders, this means I am now a massive inverted triangle, a body shape typically reserved for Ben Affleck and the Incredible Hulk.
Screenplay UpdateFollowed is done, and I received my copy from my Seattle producer last week. Still have not gotten a chance to view it yet. Friday night I had a meeting with Big Hope Films, and the screenplay I put together for them has a director, and we’re shooting the second week of May. The feature project has been in a holding pattern, as the director works out some logistics, but I’ll have some news on that soon.
1988I distinctly remember the day the original 8-bit Nintendo descended onto our home. It was my brother’s 8th birthday. By then we had significant carpal tunnel battle scars from the Atari 7800 joystick and the Texas Instruments “computer” (with BASIC, the program that caused many budding programmers go into accounting instead). My parents had the foresight to hook up an additional television in the back corner of the family room so that Solid Gold could be watched without interruption. Dad turned our non-reclining 1970s Bad Acid Trip tapestry chair around (much to our dog Atlas’s chagrin as that was His Chair), and there my brother and I sat – each with one ass cheek on the chair, one on the chair arm, and at least 20% of our body weight on Atlas, for the rest of 1980s.
I recently acquired a gift card for the Wii shop channel which is a channel on the Wii you can access if you have an Internet connection. Here you can download games from past systems, including the original Nintendo. My nostalgia got the better of me, and I couldn’t pass up Mario Brothers 2 and 3 and the original The Legend of Zelda. I also downloaded Kirby’s Adventure, which I’ve never played as it was released in 1992, and I was far too busy with teen angst at the time.
You know how you are really into something as a kid, and then you see it again as an adult and wonder what you saw in it? I seriously thought that these games would fall into this category. They’d be something to play when Gen X friends stopped by until more important matters like Wii Bowling are attended to. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the primitive Mario Brothers games were still nearly as entertaining as I remembered, but not so much so that I risked aggravating my joystick-induced carpal tunnel again.
Then I played Zelda. Original 8-bit, The Legend of Zelda. I played it for an hour before friend Kathy arrived on Saturday, several hours with friend Kathy, and again on Sunday with friends of various ages, the youngest being my friend’s nine year old daughter. It is as addicting now as it was back then. Perhaps even more so, because we all remembered some secret (“No, no! You set fire to the bush to reveal the secret staircase!”). Even the nine year old was fully immersed in it despite asking why Link was so blurry.
The irony is not lost on me that I am using the Wii – a system known for its revolutionary control system – to play a video game where I’m constantly questioning whether the red blob I’m shooting at is a land-dwelling octopus or a beheaded Q-bert. I might even feel borderline pathetic about it, kind of like that middle-aged guy who still goes to midnight screenings of Rocky Horror every week even though he could have fathered half the local stage cast. Fortunately I do not, as I’m far too busy cursing that I can’t remember how the fuck you get the raft.
NoteThis is not an open invitation for you to tell me how to get the raft. I figured it out when I was 11. My now highly developed brain can figure it out again. Or at least find a webpage to tell me where the damn raft is.
Where does one buy "It's a Kidney!" cigars? Kidney removed through vagina
One more WiiFit comment and then I’ll shut up
Among the many things I plan to do this weekend, perhaps the most vital is to spend some quality time on the WiiFit so I don’t suffer its passive aggressive tone with me on Monday morning. I have learned many things about myself in the 22 days I’ve had the WiiFt. One of them being how much I loathe passive aggressive quips, and even more so when your only comprehensible response to the thing that’s being passive aggressive to you is to click the A button. And then it pouts if you don't give it what it wants. I’m waiting for it to wink so I can call it Sarah Palin.
The good news is that this has done wonders for my motivation. Because one too many "Too busy to work out yesterday, eh?" quips tends to a) ensure I log some kind of minutes everyday so it will shut the hell up b) make me wonder if my Wii is an illegal Canadian immigrant.
One more WiiFit Comment
I kind of wondered how the balance board would really work with the console. I can say that Nintendo definitely used the strengths of the board very well. For example, I have been doing yoga for years and had no idea I was doing the pose Downward Dog slightly incorrectly. I wasn’t putting quite enough weight on my hands. This is an easy mistake to make as it’s hard to gauge a description as vague as “put 50% of the weight on your hands and 50% on your legs”. WiiFit told me to put a little more weight on my hands (the board is also a scale so it knew my total body weight). This very slight adjustment made a huge difference in how much my muscles were working in the pose. The difference was so slight that no yoga instructor I have had ever corrected me on it. Yet, now that I know how it’s supposed to feel, I could do it correctly each time, even without the board. That is pretty damn sweet.
WiiFitSanta brought me a WiiFit this year (I requested it. It wasn’t a hint. Just to be clear.). Two weeks later I have lost 4 pounds and can do all of the yoga poses without falling into the Christmas tree. If that’s not an endorsement, I don’t know what is.
There was much debate on whether this actually provides you with a workout. I can say with certainty that the WiiFit is not for athletes, gym rats, and general specimens of the human body. It’s for everyone else. For beginners, it’s a well-rounded introduction to getting fit. For intermediates like myself who already make a point to be active every day, this provides a solid boost to what you’re already doing (plus it makes strength training and flexibility exercises fun…two activities I traditionally hate to do). The negative criticism I’ve heard about it is that the activities are short in duration and therefore you can’t get your heart rate up long enough. To this I say you have to use it smartly. For my aerobics, I do exclusively the free run and the free step (both 30 minutes in duration) where I can run or step as fast as I need to get my heart rate up to where it needs to be. Then afterwards I switch quickly to hula hoping, rhythm boxing, or dance step for variety. Or fall into the Christmas tree. Just for nostalgia.
But the WiiFit balance board is going to kill meI just haven’t decided which activity will be my demise. It’s a toss between the ski jump, where you have to balance your body leaning precariously forward, which is as dangerous in a living room full of crap to fall onto as it is hundreds of feet in the air on a pair of skis, or the advanced rhythm step aerobics. Because the problem with making a coordination activity out of step aerobics where one has to step on the board front way, backward, and sideways, is that you have to keep your eye on the screen to determine where you should step. Which means your eyes are not on the balance board so you can step accurately. There have already been several incidences entitled Jenn Missed the Balance Board By That Much, and That’s Why The Coffee Table Lamp is Now Missing.
Good News All AroundSo the word on the street is that
Followed, my script directed by a Seattle producer is nearly completed with the editing process. I just got asked to crank out another script with
Firesite Films. A production company in LA requested the first 20 pages of
Sasha. And the screenplay I wrote for
Big Hope Films has found a director candidate who we’re meeting in February. Not a bad way to start the year, really.
Differentiation of the speciesMy brother and his new gal came for a visit this weekend which was a whole lot of fun. For the record, my brother is a dyed in the organic wool hippie. His gal described herself as granola. And I, despite having added seafood to my diet some time ago, am still primarily Vegetarian. So our dining experiences this weekend consisted of meat alternatives, produce, and beer. For the B vitamins, of course.
It can be difficult to determine the difference between granola and hippie, especially as both species daily consume the amount of fiber in a wicker sofa. The fart fog alone could obscure the difference. I entertain that the only difference can be found in each group’s chosen piece of luggage. My brother’s girlfriend arrived to my door with an earth-friendly reusable tote and a suitcase. My brother? His suitcase was a Clorox detergent box from BJs.
I’m not really sure what he does when he goes for a month to Costa Rica. Maybe a refrigerator box.
Merry Christmas to One and AllDear readers, this may be the last you hear from me. In a few hours (namely when my mother, the Designated Little Kid in our family, awakens), I will be venturing on my annual life threatening quest through the Obstacle Course of Pretty Boxes in the Dlugos household, which rakes up nearly as many casualties annually as the Man-eating Bushes Maze at the end of Harry Potter’s Goblet of Fire. This is because my family does Christmas shopping in a way that is only reserved for seasonal Theoretical Comedy movies on cable. So if you hear a victorious “That’s It?” coming from the direction of Western New York, it is not the sounds of a disappointed child who did not receive his equivalent of the Red Rider gun. It is a jubilant pollock who managed to get to our back door without being crushed to death under a pile of Contents Yet to Be Determined boxes like a Bond villain.
Seasonal Theoretical Comedy?Well. Have you ever seen an actual comedy Christmas made-for-cable movie?
Much belated Orlando review
In late November I did my annual girl’s trip to Orlando. I’m not sure I can squeeze a whole article out of what transpired, but I do have some highlights that I can spatter through the blog over the next few days.
Closed Mountain, Conquered. Faithful readers of my blog surely know my annual defeat known as Space Mountain. I have been to Disney five times now, and for reasons that I am not quite clear on, the Universe (probably Pluto, specifically) has decided I will never go on this ride. Every time I ventured into its spacey realm, the operators screamed and closed the ride. This was even true in August when I gave no forewarning that I was even going to be near Disney property, and my writing partner Andrea and I tried to sneak up on the ride. In that particular instance we saw the ride open, went next door for a slice of pizza as our bodies were cannibalizing our own organs for food, and came out only to find the ride closed. After that it became hard not to take this personally.
I don’t know if it was the fact that we went on a later weekend that threw them off, or the Groucho Marx glasses I rode on the ride, but Closed Mountain has finally become Space Mountain in my lexicon. The irony here being that once I rode the ride, there was a 95% chance I would never be able to get out of the attraction as I was welded into the spaceship by my long legs and multiple bags of Disney merchandise.
And about the movie being made?
My short script that filmed in Seattle is completed and a rough cut has been made. Updates on film festival submissions shortly.
The Designated Little Kid has awokenIf you never hear from me again, you’ll find my body under a pile of Wii games and DVD box sets.
Holy Crapola
Has it really been a month since I talked to you people?
A lot has happenedCookie Inferno, movies getting made, watching a grown woman steal Mickey Mouse away from little kids….all of which I’ll get to. But today, the topic is snow.
Expecting a rough commute this morning
We’re supposed to be getting a lot of snow today. This is not something I pay attention to typically, because what is considered a lot of snow here is significantly less than the 3 stories of snow that falls on any random winter day in Buffalo. Or at least I didn’t pay attention until Dad told me he was concerned because he was taking the grandparents to the Buffalo Holiday Pops tonight. Apparently, Buffalo is getting the same storm we’re getting. Upon research, I discovered that this storm is pretty much going to be the same storm that caused me to have a four hour commute home last December, not so much because the roads were really that shitty, but because everyone in the metropolitan area was making their exodus at the same time.
So I’m expecting a terrible commute today. I bet it will take me at least 5 minutes to get from my bed to my computer. That Working From Home Option is kind of awesome sometimes.
Snow! Run!I know it must seem odd to say I miss Buffalo during the winter, but I do. In Buffalo, regardless what Mother Nature planned to dump on us, no one panics whatsoever. Case in point....as of now, 5:00 in the morning, Buffalo has no schools closed, and they are expecting the snow to start right now. Meanwhile, every school in Rhode Island and Boston is closed, as well as some businesses, and even some healthcare services. So all of you planning to dislocate something today, you may want to reschedule that.
Entertaining report
According to the weather report yesterday, Buffalo was expecting something called “Thundersnow”. I took this to mean that they called Mad Max for backup.
DogsleddingThe good news about the snow is that Saturday morning I’m going dogsledding. As it is my first time out in a while, I have already forewarned everyone I’m visiting that weekend for Holiday Cheer-Spreading that the probability is high that I will be spreading said cheer in an injured condition. Stay tuned.
Happy Veterans Day! Specifically to the two veterans in my life, my two grandfathers, both WWII veterans. My one grandfather was a Flying Tiger, and my other grandfather – well, I’m not really sure what he did. Given the way he and grandma slung vodka and tonics at their bar during the heyday of Niagara Falls, I’m inclined to think he was the Army bartender. And if you knew my grandpa, he’d be honored that I think that is his contribution to the war effort.
Phone home, pendingThis gives me an excuse to call him, if only to find out what the hell he did during the war. Updates as warranted.
Home invasionMy brother might be coming up this weekend, and I hope it happens, because I’ve been wanting to take him to the Polish restaurant in Dorchester. I’ve invited my friend Gene and his wife as well, as Gene needs to celebrate his first honest-to-goodness film premiere. And also because his heritage is Canadian, and they are the only people who can compete with Polish people in the joke department.
Segue…I just found out a Canadian friend of mine is moving to the Northwest Territories. I’m curious about this because 1) I had no idea you were allowed to live there unless you were a polar bear or a yeti. 2) I have to think the most popular personal automobile on the expressways is a Zamboni.
Our Long National Nightmare is OverYes. Susan Lucci was booted from Dancing with the Stars last night.
Someone really needs to explain…Why two radio stations I commonly listen to are playing Christmas songs already, interrupting my 6:00 Beatles Flashback. The only place that should be playing Christmas music three weeks before the mass killing spree of turkeys is my parents’ house, only because my Dad plays Christmas music starting on Labor Day.
Halloween Tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Why yes, it is my favorite day of the year. Why do you ask?
And your plans?I’m going to some Haunted CatacombMallFactoryAbandonedParkingLot thing tonight. I’m going with a friend who screams a lot and loudly. I’ve been through enough CatacombMallFactoryAbandonedParkingLots to know that I don’t scream. At all, really. My goal is to force her to go first just on the basis that she has a more entertaining reaction than I do.
And the hits just keep on coming…I have been getting a bunch of Asian horror films these past few weeks. The bad news is my productivity this week has been an all time low. The good news is, I am now fluent in Cantonese.
The Eye: This is a film that belongs in the same genre as The Sixth Sense, rather than traditional horror. Story was good. Not exceptional, but good.
However. The “suspenseful scary ghost” scenes? Among the best I have ever witnessed. I watched it with two very jaded horror fans, and both of them had to shut their eyes. That, my friends, is an endorsement.
Dorm: After confirming that Thailand is A Force to Be Reckoned With after witnessing
Shutter, I decided to give this one a whirl after reading several recommendations for it, only to discover it is not a horror movie at all. In fact it was a quite touching supernatural mystery without attempting to be the Heart Wrenching Voice Beyond the Grave Story of the Year.
No Longer a HerbivoreI am now officially a fishitarian. Please update your Rolodexes.
Wait…when did this happen? It didn’t just happen. I’ve been considering putting fish back into my diet for couple months now, for a couple reasons. One, I really love seafood. More importantly, fish has unique health properties that cannot be achieved easily through a vegetarian diet, and also not through any of the other meats. Plus it really started to annoy me that a lot of restaurants only have one vegetarian option, and 50% of the time it was unhealthier than the meat option.
So, is this just really a slow advancement back to full carnivore?Never. Poultry and meat will forever remain eradicated from my diet. I don’t particularly care for poultry or meat after eating far too much baked chicken and pot roast growing up. Plus these meats simply don’t provide any added nutritional benefit that cannot be provided by fish. And when all is said and done, I just like the vegetable protein sources better. So it’s far more likely I’ll retreat back to full herbivore again before advancing to cows and poultry.
OverheardOn my lunch time walk yesterday, I overheard a lady on the phone talking about her soon-to-be-born grandchild. The conversation was as follows:
“…well, if he’s born on Martin Luther King Day, his birthday will always be a holiday!”
As someone whose birthday was always during a school vacation week, I do appreciate this sentiment. Except for the small problem that Martin Luther King Day is not the same date every year.
Mathematical movie ratingsScrolling through my movie reviews I realized that every time I watch an American remake after I’ve seen the Asian horror movie it was based on, I rated said remake as two stars less than I rated the Asian version (on a five star scale). Evidently this system also works in reverse. I saw the American remake of
Dark Water some time ago and hated it with every ounce of my being. I rated it one star. I just saw the original version this weekend. I enjoyed it, but it was just sort of…pedestrian. So I gave it 3 stars.
OldBoyYou can’t possibly be a film buff without having heard about this film. This was a repeat viewing for me having seen it a couple years ago on some grainy copy at a friend’s house from a guy who knows a guy who can get these things. It’s still stunning. Roger Ebert summed it up best when he said in
his review:
We are so accustomed to "thrillers" that exist only as machines for creating diversion that it's a shock to find a movie in which the action, however violent, makes a statement and has a purpose.
Which by the way, it is not that violent. Or at least not nearly as much as the reviews would have you believe. It’s not
Hostel, or torture porn, and anything Quentin Tarantino has done has been far more gratuitous. Look at the ratings, not the review. Unless you’re from PETA. Because you won’t like what happens to the octopus.
Wait…what do they do to the octopus? Well now, that would be telling. Plus I don’t care. I’m a fishitarian.
Lost in TranslationI’ve been hearing a lot about the Korean horror film,
The Red Shoes. Said movie is about a possessed pair of red stilettos, and I generally endorse any piece of possessed clothing. So into the Netflix Queue it went. So imagine my surprise when I got in
The Red Shoes, the 1940s ballerina movie.
Possessed stilettos, Jenn? Come now. Hey. Do you think it’s easy to have my obscenely high standards for horror movies? My choices were that or yet another movie about a ghost pissed off about the way she died. Judge not, until you walk a mile in my possessed shoes.
24 Hour horror movies! Sort of. AMC is doing their FearFest or Monstermania or whatever they are calling it this year with 24 hour horror movies from now until Halloween. Right now they are showing…
Panic Room. Which is nowhere in the vicinity of a horror movie. They’d do better showing the ballerina movie. That was terrifying.
Dispatches from the Netflix Queue: ShutterI rented this Thailand flick after seeing it top many Asian horror fans’ lists. About an hour into it I thought it was well-written, solid characters, and just enough clever ghostly sequences to not be run-of-the-mill. By the time the credits rolled…well, you ever get to the end of a movie and realize that not one second of your time was wasted? And that it made a point of showing just enough to keep your eyes on the screen, while giving you the false sense of security that what you are watching is the best it’s got, only to prove you oh-so-wrong? This movie did both, while never being anything more than a very familiar, every day ghost story. Recommend unconditionally.
It’s just not Thanksgiving until you hear the sound of a dead body rolling down the stairs…
When I was cooking squash this week, I had a flashback to my days as a wee lass in Niagara Falls on Thanksgiving morning. My Mom, who hosts all the holidays for both sides of the family, is responsible for cooking mass quantities of nourishment, most of which goes home in doggie bags to be consumed daily for the foreseeable future. Of the foodstuffs to be cooked, a squash is typically on the list. However, one year my mother…whose supermarket produce section evidently only houses fruits and vegetables that can take on the Killer Tomatoes should they attack again…bought a squash that could only be scientifically categorized as Supernaturally Oversized, and likely had a technical classification of a meteor or a small planet.
This did not seem like a bad thing, at first, as one would assume that Supernaturally Oversized Squashes (S.O.S.) have the advantage of providing enough beta carotene for an entire family, or perhaps an entire third-world country. And they do, in theory. The problem is that when one’s squash has its own orbit, the only way to get to the beta-caroteney goodness inside is by using tunneling equipment last seen in
Journey to the Center of the Earth. Which we did not have on hand. So to prevent the S.O.S from making us S.O.L in the beta carotene department, Mom solved this problem by showcasing her best hook shot and bowling the Squash-Meteor-Jupiter down the cellar stairs. This succeeded in 1) breaking the S.O.S. open 2) causing all family members in the house to come running to the kitchen to see who Mom killed by throwing them down the stairs.
I’m pretty sure Norman Rockwell did not have these holiday memories.
And a Netflix recommendation
TransAmerica. Touching, funny, and real. And Felicity Huffman pulls off a transgendered man in a way I never thought was possible.
Missed-the-target marketingYesterday, I got a discount card in the mail to subscribe to a corn farmer’s magazine. Mind you I live in a) Massachusetts b) a Condo. Both of which are clearly printed on my address label on the corn farmer’s advertisement postcard.
Stephen King: Why Hollywood Can’t Do HorrorI couldn’t agree more.
This line in particular is why I contest that anyone who did not like
The Strangers simply because the "why" of the killers wasn't explained really needs to stop reviewing horror films.
But nightmares exist outside of logic, and there's little fun to be had in explanations; they're antithetical to the poetry of fear.
Followed followed someone homeA Seattle producer, evidently. I just receive word yesterday that he wants to produce this little thriller o’mine. Production begins in October. I’ll keep everyone updated.
October 1stIt is officially the Halloween season (mostly because I say so), which means that no horror DVDs grace my DVD player that were made after 1970. This is a tradition that was sledgehammered into my fermenting skull during my time with
Classic-Horror.com and we did the Shocktober Classics, which were reviews of old school horror classics. Tonight’s feature: the Boris Karloff
Frankenstein.
I’ve always felt Christine could do with an update
GPS leads driver on train tracks Woman in a Cow Suit ArrestedI can only assume she was one of
Ben and Jerry's Lactation Specialists.
PETA Urges Ben and Jerrys to make ice cream from human breast milkPersonally, I’m only buying ice cream made from free range women
This Weekend in Jenn’s Non-Stop Traveling Until 2009Vermont. Specifically to crash my brother’s and my father’s boys’ weekend (my Mom and I are much better at preventing this by vacationing nowhere near any known family members). Which means I have to bake something for them, because if not they'll just eat beer and cheese. Good thing they don’t want an ice cream cake. It takes a lot of pumping to get my breasts to make Cherry Garcia.
Sociopathic tendancy #564I was watching
Hostel last night (a choice I deeply hate myself for), and in order to pass the time, as the movie was simply awful, I did my cardiovascular workout while it was on. And then I remembered that scene in
American Psycho where Christian Bale – who played a serial killer -- was doing a similarly intense workout to
Texas Chainsaw Massacre. You might want to call the authorities.
Impending Bed SoresThis is the only weekend for awhile in which I am not traveling somewhere, so I decided to take advantage and rent a Classic Movie That Is So Long It Can Be Its Own DVD Collection. This weekend’s choice is
Giant with Elizabeth Taylor. I think if I start it now, it might be done by next Tuesday.
This is something you might expect me to complain about…Eoin Colfer to write sixth Hitchhiker’s Guide Novel
But I’m not. Because this guy wrote
Artemis Fowl, which I dig. Which is not really all that surprising as those books are about a 10-year old kid that is everything a James Bond villain wishes he can be.
It’s not just me, damnitMany of my Massachusetts friends have had to survive at least one conversation where I bitch, moan, and generally complain about the quality of grocery stores here. Evidently, I’m not the only one. In
this recent AOL article, Wegmans and Aldis (the two stores I miss the most from Buffalo) were named “Best” grocery stores, while the two actually found in my current neighborhood (Shaws and Stop N Shop) are named the worst. And Whole Foods doesn’t count because it’s in both places. Neither does Trader Joes because there isn’t one by me. So there.
And if you are sick of me talking about Buffalo and actively want to devour it...Go to
UFood Grill (formerly KnowFat Grill) at Downtown Crossing. I went there this weekend and the food was excellent and actually healthy. Plus it had several of non-meat options so I could actually eat more than one thing on the menu. On the other hand, my friend Kathy had a buffalo burger. As she is from Buffalo, I told her she is now officially a cannibal.
Saw Dark Knight for the fourth timeWhy? Because we were 30 minutes late for
Burn After Reading and I really wanted an Icee. That’s why.
Baby Drag QueensBelgian Chicken Debacle Girl (and her husband, Mr. Chicken Debacle) had a baby boy recently, named Jude. The following email exchange occurred between us this week.
Me: Do we know if Jude is going to grow up a drag queen yet? Because if so, I'm going to buy him a pair
of these.
Chicken Debacle Girl: Um. We're trying not to fuck with his gender identity just yet.
Me: I was just wondering if Jude had any signs yet of perhaps delving into an alternate lifestyle. Like, say, he slips the word "Liza Minnelli" during his snores or something.
Chicken Debacle Girl: I certainly hope he would pick a more modern gay icon than Liza. He's not a middle-aged baby.
See. Aren’t you happy we both don’t have your email address? Unless you are amongst the few of you who do. If so, you're screwed.
The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill
All I knew about this movie when I put it in my Netflix Queue was:
1) It was an independent film
2) It got really good ratings
Turns out it is about wild parrots. Um, that live on Telegraph Hill. Specifically, it revolves around this homeless man who takes care of one of the flocks of wild non-native parrots in San Francisco. Absolutely fascinating. And there are actual humans in it, minimal waddling, and no one gets eaten by a seal, which makes it a significant improvement to
March of the Penguins.
Friend has a Senior MomentI’m doing a lot of traveling this fall. Since I don’t want to let my strength training regimen go as I have to steer a dogsled in a couple months, I bought travel weights, which are an expandable plastic. The following conversation ensued.
Unnamed Friend: What are those?
Me: Travel weights. You fill them with water.
*long pause*
Unnamed friend: Can’t you just inflate them?
Odd sight
Today, I saw an ambulance with its lights flashing stop to let another ambulance going the opposite direction through the intersection. I’m thinking the guy in the first ambulance didn’t pay his co-pay.
DefCon 3
DVD player died. It’s about 8 years old. I will be leaving in minutes to purchase a new one.
Highlight of Parents' Visit: The Whale Watch Boat That Should Have Made a Cameo in The Perfect Storm. Neither my parents nor I get any sort of motion sickness whatsoever. I personally have not puked since I was 13 years old (which is a feat given my drink of choice is tequila). Saturday wasn’t even a tremendously shitty day, so there was really no reason for us to feel like we were whale watching in the Bermuda Triangle. The entire boat was puking up a storm in multiple neon colors which made me think why should have actually had some blank canvas and created a group abstract art piece or something. My family? We enjoyed the soft pretzels. For some reason, they had plenty in stock.
I’m am now on FacebookFriend me, bitches.
Must Buy Immediately
Granted, I generally think that is true with most incarnations of
Scene-It? (except the rumored Doctor Who
Scene-it? – I really don’t want to be around a group of people who know enough about Dr. Who to warrant the purchase of Dr. Who
Scene-It?). I do have nearly every version of
Scene-It? ever made, except the ones that require me to know anything about television. Because I pretty much stopped watching television after Seinfeld. So Seinfeld
Scene-It? No, it absolutely can not wait until Christmas. And I’m aiming that at you, Kathy.
Why Kathy?Because Kathy complains I am notoriously difficult to buy for. So any time I say I want anything…it could be the middle of March, quite frankly…she forbids me to buy it.
The Kettles' Road TripMy parents are visiting this weekend (for those of you just tuning in, I call my parents the Kettles, because they signed my birthday card one year as Ma and Pa. Hence, Ma and Pa Kettle.) On deck is a whale watch, dinner at the Polish restaurant that my father complains I never take him as I only take my mother there because I like her better, and a trip to Portsmouth and Kittery. So pretty much expect the same blog post as last Labor Day, except add a year to all our ages. Thumbs up to recycling.
Back from La-La Land
Well, our screenplay didn’t win, but (cliché alert), it was really an honor to be a finalist at the Feel Good Festival. As some of you know, Andrea and I consider Sasha our most marketable script, so it's just the question of finding it the right home. Our trip to Hollywood gave us some very promising connections (plus a couple of local producers who read the article in the Ledger contacted me as well), so we’re pretty confident that Sasha will become a reality. Of course, I’ll keep you updated.
Now, for the fun stuff.
Walking the red carpet at Grauman’s Eqyptian Theater. It was actually a yellow carpet (Feel Good festival = emphasis on cheeriness). It was perhaps the most surreal moment in my life, because it was the real deal. We managed to be relatively graceful about it and not make an ass out of ourselves. The second part is still up for debate by the Jewel (or possibly Jule) Television viewers, as that station interviewed us.
Tourist traps. What is a trip to Hollywood without some kind of celebrity tour? You can tour celebrity locations for days, but we focused on the hot spots: Lucille Ball’s house, the bar where Mel Gibson got drunk, and the place where Britney shaved her head. We’ll be offering celebrity bus tours in the near future.
Disneyland! There is some sort of legal ordinance that any time you voyage within 50 miles of a Disney theme park, you have to go. My own personal regulation is that every time I go to a Disney theme park, I have to purchase a stuffed Donald Duck. Andrea had great patience for me while I flitted around the Disney store desperately searching for the quintessential Donald to add to my collection. After 10 minutes of searching, I found him...a very glittery Donald with a blue sparkly tuxedo. He was automatically named Gay Donald. I’m proud to say that Gay Donald and my Pirates of the Caribbean Donald have really hit it off. Look for invites to their wedding shortly.
Spongebob! Anyone who has been to my house, or one of my birthday parties, knows I am an insufferable Spongebob freak. And it’s really sad that in the presence of all these filmmakers and producers, all I really wanted to do was to go up to Tom Kenny and go “Do the Spongebob voice!” I restrained myself from doing this (or possibly, Andrea restrained me), but he did it anyway without prompting. And my life is officially complete.
So that’s all for now. I’ll keep you all updated on progress.
Fame has arrivedUm, on the South Shore. But tomorrow, it's the whole world, baby.
South Shore Screenwriters Looking for Happy Ending at Feel Good FestI kind of wonder how long it will take for Pierce
Brosnan to put a restraining order on me.
In other newsMy mother emailed me to tell me she put that article up on her office door. My Mom teaches gross anatomy. She is marketing us to dead people.
